stop being a people pleaser

A people pleaser is someone who tries hard to make others happy. They will often go out of their way to please someone, even if it means taking their own valuable time or resources away from them. People pleasers often act out of insecurity and a lack of self-esteem

So,2021 is almost over. and I have to change!  Let's stop being a boring person. I mean, this little act has been made me couldn’t control myself, couldn’t understand myself. I  even don’t know what I wanna do, what I like. I cant feel myself, my heart, my soul, my everything. I kinda let the flow, and it's not good. So yeah, lemme do this.

According to the science of people, let see what I should do.

1.       Let me get back to you

HAHA. I agree. It is a habit to always say yes right away like I don’t need time to think about the answer. And about 5-10 minutes later, I regret it myself because I actually don’t really like to do it or even don’t have time. So I have to make time. Like… I have to multitask so everyone can be happy because I was with them.  What a stupid.

 

So yeah, delay the no. It is essential not to answer immediately. “let me get back to you” is the best option. PLIS REMARK WITH UNREMOVABLE MARKER TO YOUR BRAIN SHANUM

 

2.       Add delay

She said that I have to take a slightly longer pause before making any decision and not worry about the silence because it is normal. It even makes me seem confident and powerful (?). Okay, so delay it just for 50 to 100 milliseconds.

 

3.       Start with small noes

“It  is only by saying ‘no’ that you can concentrate on the things that are really important”  -steve jobs

Woah, I never knew about it. I even never thought about it. Ah, I see. Too much saying yes makes us take so much responsibility, although that is not an important event. So here are the 3 steps to say no without making an awkward or damaging relationship or feeling guilty.

a.       Plan out your no’s ahead of time à not in the moment, can indirectly by chat. Because some people pleaser fear facing others’ disappointment

b.      Don’t offer an explanation à I thought a reason is a necessity. Like, we have don’t want to be rude. But actually, the problem is it allows them to change their request so that our excuse doesn’t justify our no.

Here is the example.

“You apologize for not being able to help someone with a project because you’re working towards a major deadline…they reply that they’d love to have your help once you’re finished with your current project”

Relate. I had been in that situation soooooooo much. Some people are willing to force us to say yes. So by simply thanking people for their request and telling them that we can’t agree to it, we prevent them from arguing with us.

c.       Do offer an alternative instead à the thing is to offer a compromise

4.       Stop saying I can't

Instead of saying no, people-pleaser would say cant. This can be a problem when toxic people and fake friends push our boundaries by saying  “but why?”.  “ I don’t” is the best way to exit unwanted commitments. But It’s had to say in Bahasa.

5.       Rewrite the story (like I’m doing now!)

Rewriting the event is a way to understand us better. The research found that people who told stories with more redemption sequences were happier than those who didn’t.  so, remember the event and ask for self

-          How did I make them feel?

-          Did they laugh or gain value?

-          Do they even care?

With rewriting the story, ask again. Did I learn something? How did I benefit? What value did I offer others? How did this experience change for the better?

6.       Know my goals

I… don’t know. HAHA. Really. I mean- I’ve been told to write down the long and short-term goals but I never did. Yeah, because my motto is “ let it flow” and it is a disaster actually. When I don’t have goals, it means I don’t have any plan. And it is bad. The goals make us easier to say no because we have something to be achieved. Okay, because now I know. After all this time happens,  will sit on a couch every Sunday morning to take my goals. Ah, I think I have to buy a journal.

So here are the questions

-          Where do I want to be in 5 years?

-          What am I doing right now to get myself there? HAHA omg I haven’t been preparing it yet

-          What do I wanna make space for?

-          What do I wanna say yes to?

7.       Get rid of toxic people

Actually, I don’t understand this concept. I mean, who are the toxic people? Wait, I’m searching

 

Okay, I got it. So here are 7 types of toxic people

1)      The conversational narcissist àkeep interrupting, talk about ONLY themselves, don’t let us get a word in, don’t ask us any questions, don’t wait for our response, they just wanna be listened. These people will go after our emotional, conversational, and mental freedom until er have nothing left.

2)      The emotional moocher à suck the positive of ourselves, tend to bring us down with them because they are always sad, negative, and pessimistic. OMG is this me? Am I toxic?

3)      The drama magnet à they see their life is always wrong; only want empathy and support, not advice, never fix their problem, always complain

4)      The Jealous-judgemental person à see everyone else is awful, uncool, lacking;  self-hate people so much; like to gossip others

5)      The fibber à  the liar ones

6)      The tank à the only one who right, arrogant, think they are the smartest ones, rarely see others as equal

7)      The straitjacket àcontrol people, wanna  be in charge of what others do

So  if someone makes us do these things, we just have to say no

-          You have to constantly save this person and fix their problems

-          You are covering up or hiding for them

-          You dread seeing them

-          You feel drained after being with them

-          You get angry, sad, or depressed when you are around them

-          They cause you to gossip or be mean

-          You feel you have to impress them

-          You’re affected by their drama or problems

-          They ignore your needs and don’t hear ‘no’

8.       Stop apologizing

YES PLEASE. I’ve just realized that I ask for sorry too much even I didn’t make mistake.  So, what is the meaning of sorry then?

So, don’t apologize because I have something to be prioritized. Just don’t feel bad because if I don’t stand up for myself,  no one else will.  No one really cares about us, but ourselves.

9.       Optimize  the apology

I’ve just known that there are bad ways to apologize  :’). There are the apologies containing denial (not my fault thingy) and evasion (it was complicated). So the best ways to apologize are corrective action (I’ll never do it again) and motification (I’m ashamed of myself). Emm, I am a bit confused about how to explain it in Bahasa but yeah.

10.   Unleash my internal validation

Back to the definition, people-pleaser sometimes had a lack of self-esteem. So that they are desperate for validation and appreciation. But- in my case, I don’t need it. I mean, I always tell people to not give me encouragement or compliment due to what  I have done. But if  I deep think about myself, I do need validation. I do need the validation that I am still needed. Wait, I literally confused.

 

Oh, I see.

 

The validation should be built internally. That means I have to be happy, be good, be fine to do something without others to make me feel it. I have to

-           Do activities that make me feel like a baller

-          Hang around people who make me feel awesome without having to do anything for them.  Wait, I suddenly think about dafa because he has all people that make him comfortable with himself.

-          Enjoy the happiness and don’t feel guilty for it.

11.   Finally! The last one is I’m not a pizza

Pizza is… default and boring. I can't be expected to be in every single social event. Lol.

Okay.  I remember that!

 

I will write again later.